So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
