Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
