If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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