Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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