I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
