I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
