If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
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I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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