RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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