I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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