She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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