I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
