In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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