ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
