Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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