i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
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Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
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library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in