I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
