and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
