Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
