I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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