Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
