I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
