That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
