she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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