the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
