her vagina looked like bernie madoff
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
