You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
