I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
