Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This house was built for laser tag.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
