i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
