Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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