I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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