You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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