so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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