i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is classic penis vs brain.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i think my cat just said my name.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
