I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
