Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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