What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
