Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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