I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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