literally had 100 drinks last night.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
