Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
