good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the day after is always just damage control
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I supernannyed him into submission
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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