dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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