Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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