I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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