I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
