If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
