1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
