I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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