i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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