My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
