Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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