Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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