home. puking in laundry basket.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
