Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
love makes seman taste better
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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