dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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